Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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