Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
