I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
