So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
