U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
