I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
