Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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