Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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