so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Randomize