Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
