I want to make a zoo with you.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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