Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
