My room smells like vodka and shame
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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