So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
