I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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