So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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