Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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