very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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