My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
