He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
