Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
