if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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