Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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