I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Too much gin, very little bucket
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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