Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
