dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
