i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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