My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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