I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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