Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
