Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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