Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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