I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
