I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
