I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
