does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
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