Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
