can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
