So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
