my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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