Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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