I wish my penis had an off switch
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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