I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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