How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
