Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
