thus making me awesome and them whores
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
