So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i just wanna soil my oats bro
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
The beer is more important than you right now.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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