I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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