My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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