I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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