well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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