Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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