the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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