Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
