what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
