the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
