I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
