I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
