We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My breasts were aching with rage.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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