He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
